Return To Normal: Texas Announces They Will Go Back To Shooting People Wearing Masks On The Assumption They’re Stagecoach Robbers

AUSTIN, TX—In yet another return to normalcy, Texas has announced that effective immediately they will return to their normal mask policy: Anyone wearing a mask is automatically shot, on the assumption that that person is about to rob a stagecoach.

“We done licked that virus good,” announced Texas Governor Greg “Tex” Abbott. “Now it’s time to get back to protecting our precious, precious stagecoaches. So, if you’re wearing a mask — BAM! Ya dead! Yee-haw!”

Despite Texas having a growing tech sector, the state is still primarily a stagecoach-based economy, with most people in the state making a living from either driving or robbing stagecoaches. The pandemic, with its proliferation of masks, has very much disrupted that industry, and most are happy to have a timeline for things getting back to normal.

“I don’t like masks,” said stagecoach driver Cam “Tex” Matthews. “But lately, you try to shoot people wearing masks, and some Karen will yell at you. Well, that ends now. If you wear a mask, you’ll be answering to ole Betsy here!” Matthews then held up his lever-action rifle and added, “Yee-haw!”

Other states have condemned the announcement by Texas. “It’s just too early to talk about going back to normal,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom. “Maybe after we’re all vaccinated and twenty to forty years have passed with no one getting the virus, then we can talk about taking off masks.” Texas responded by saying they may also add a clause about shooting Californians.

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Author: John C Carleton

Native Texican, American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God.

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